You're Not Alone
by Katma
Summary: A B/S songfic... what I had hoped would happen instead of what did happen. Grr :)


Disclaimer: Buffy and Spike belong to Joss Whedon, and not to me. I just borrowed them for a few. The song as well does not belong to me, but to Savage Garden, who should NOT have broken up. But anyway, I'm just borrowing the lyrics for a few, as well. Please do not sue me, for I am not making money off this. Also, you won't get very much, for as my father says, "My daughter and all my money go to Bellarmine." That said, enjoy!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
When you feel all alone,  
  
And the world has turned its back on you  
  
Give me a moment, please  
  
To tame your wild, wild heart.  
  
Spike watched Buffy as she enjoyed an uncharacteristic moment of relaxation. She lay on his bed, her eyes shut and the expression on her face soft and satiated in the aftermath of their lovemaking. As Spike's eyes traced the contours of Buffy's face, he felt a seizing in the region of his heart. He was sure that if his undead heart could beat, it would burst in his chest. He loved her so much, but she was too scared, after everything that had happened, to let him in. Spike's face contorted in a grimace of pain. He would give anything to touch Buffy's heart, not just her body. He had a sneaking suspicion she would never relent, however.  
  
I know you feel  
  
Like the walls are closing in on you  
  
It's hard to find relief  
  
And people can be so cold  
  
When darkness is upon your door and  
  
You feel like you can't take anymore  
  
Spike reached out gently and smoothed a piece of hair off Buffy's cheek. Buffy stirred a little and moaned softly, a very pitiful sound. Spike's stomach clenched. It hurt him to see her in so much pain. Buffy had been different since she had returned. It was more than just the wrongness that allowed him to hit her. This ran deeper than that.  
  
Buffy was hurting. The loss of her mother and many others whom she had cared about, the betrayal of her friends, who ripped her out of heaven, and her financial situation had all proved too much for her. The beautiful, vibrant girl he had fallen in love with was fading before his eyes. The true Buffy was being pushed back by her Slayer persona. She was slowly dying, and her friends didn't seem to notice. He'd thought that with their night of passion in the abandoned building, the real Buffy would return. It didn't work, however. Buffy would use his body to reach oblivion, and as soon as it was over, her walls went back up. She was tearing herself apart with this, and she was tearing him apart as well.  
  
Let me be the one you call  
  
If you jump, I'll break your fall  
  
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night.  
  
If you need to fall apart  
  
I can mend a broken heart  
  
If you need to crash  
  
Then crash and burn  
  
You're not alone.  
  
With a deep, unnecessary sigh, Spike pulled away from Buffy and sat at the end of the bed. He tucked his legs up to his chest and curled his arms around them. He wanted to be Buffy's partner, in the truest sense of the word. He wanted to be her lover, her confidante, her friend, and her shoulder to cry on. He knew, however, that this would never happen. She would never see him as anything other than a willing body. He was a monster to Buffy, and she would never forget that.  
  
When you feel all alone,  
  
And a loyal friend is hard to find  
  
You're caught in a one-way street  
  
With the monsters in your head.  
  
When hopes and dreams are far away and  
  
You feel like you can't face the day.  
  
Buffy's eyelids fluttered open. She had felt Spike leave from his place by her side and was surprised by the sense of emptiness she felt without him. Her eyes rested on the curve of his back, noting the air of dejection that surrounded him. A twinge of guilt plagued her. Buffy knew how Spike felt about her. Ever since Glory had appeared on the scene, Spike had been there for Buffy and her family. He had been there even when she was not. Buffy respected him for that. The issue of Spike's loyalty was not what was holding her back. Buffy was scared.  
  
She cared for Spike. Deeply. Buffy needed him with a desperation that shocked her to the core. He was the only one who understood her. Spike made her care. Buffy didn't want to care. Caring hurt. Buffy also didn't want to need anyone, either. Needing made you weak. Everyone she had ever needed had left. She wouldn't leave herself open like that ever again. Not even to a pair of piercing blue eyes that seemed to look deep within her. Spike saw the real Buffy, and he accepted and loved her anyway.  
  
Let me be the one you call  
  
If you jump, I'll break your fall  
  
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night  
  
If you need to fall apart  
  
I can mend a broken heart  
  
If you need to crash  
  
Then crash and burn  
  
You're not alone.  
  
Spike felt Buffy's eyes on him and turned around. The two stared at each other. Spike eventually broke the silence.  
  
"Hi," he said, offering a tentative smile. He wasn't looking forward to the inevitable aftermath of their lovemaking sessions. Buffy, afraid of letting anyone close to her, pushed Spike away with her incredibly talented sarcastic tongue. Spike, never one to back down from a challenge, would respond in kind, and neither would leave happy. Buffy opened her mouth and Spike involuntarily tensed.  
  
"Hi," she responded. Spike nearly fell off the bed in surprise, but he wasn't about to let this chance slip away.  
  
"You looked so peaceful lying there, I couldn't wake ya. It's so rare that you look like that anymore, pet."  
  
Buffy sighed. "I know. It's getting easier, but it's still hard to try and be a part of them. I feel like I've moved past them in some way."  
  
"You have, luv. Can't you see it? You'll never be what you were."  
  
"And why not?" Buffy fired back, getting angry again. "Why can't I go back?"  
  
"Because you bloody died, Slayer! That's not something you can recover from like that." Spike snapped his fingers to illustrate his point. "You can't act the way you did before, because you're not that Buffy. You've seen too much."  
  
"Then why am I still here with you, huh?"  
  
Spike reached out and brushed the back of his fingers against Buffy's cheek. "Cuz I've been there, luv. I know how you feel."  
  
For there has always been heartache and pain  
  
And when it's over you'll breathe again  
  
You'll breathe again  
  
This hit too close to home for Buffy. She wasn't ready to acknowledge her inner darkness. So, like always, she lashed out at the messenger.  
  
"I am NOT like you!" she snapped. "You and I are completely different. You are a soulless, evil monster. How dare you compare yourself and your experience, in any way, with mine?"  
  
All the while she was talking, Buffy had been gathering and donning her clothes. At the end of her tirade, she was completely dressed. With a last angry look at Spike, she turned to leave.  
  
"Buffy," Spike pleaded, stretching out his arm and catching Buffy's wrist lightly. He didn't want her to leave. He was so close to making her understand.  
  
"Let go!" Buffy shrieked. She whirled and Spike caught a glimpse of unshed tears sparkling in her eyes. Then, in a very un-Buffy-like move, she drew back her hand and slapped Spike across the cheek. The sheer surprise of it, for the force of it barely moved Spike's head, caused him to let go, and Buffy turned and ran.  
  
When you feel all alone,  
  
And the world has turned its back on you  
  
Give me a moment please  
  
To tame your wild, wild heart.  
  
Buffy ran out of Spike's crypt and through the cemetery. She wasn't paying attention, and tripped over a root. Buffy fell, sprawling on the ground. She managed to push herself to a sitting position, but couldn't get back up. The pain she'd been pushing down for so long finally overcame her. With a low moan, Buffy let all her pent-up tears escape. She sat there, her body shaking from the force of her sobs, uncaring of anything around her. Her vampire sense tingled, but still Buffy didn't get up.  
  
"Go 'way, Spike," Buffy mumbled, her voice muffled by her updrawn legs.  
  
"No," Spike said, sitting next to her. "I won't go. I'm never gonna leave you. When're you gonna get that through your bloody thick Slayer skull?"  
  
Buffy's shaking and sobbing increased. Spike sat there helpless for a moment, and then had an idea. He just hoped she wouldn't stake him for daring this. Oh, well, it would be worth it to try, he thought.  
  
Let me be the one you call  
  
If you jump, I'll break your fall  
  
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night.  
  
Spike wrapped one arm around Buffy's shoulder and slipped his other under her knees. With little effort, he picked up the Slayer and settled her in his lap. He tucked her blonde head in the juncture of his shoulder and neck and began to rock her, crooning softly.  
  
"It's gonna be okay, pet. It's gonna be okay."  
  
If you need to fall apart  
  
I can mend a broken heart  
  
If you need to crash  
  
Then crash and burn  
  
You're not alone  
  
Buffy's arms clenched tightly, desperately around Spike's middle. Through her wracking sobs, Spike heard her small voice.  
  
"Spike, please. Just hold me tonight."  
  
"Tonight and always," Spike whispered, pressing a kiss into Buffy's silky blonde hair. He wrapped his arms tightly around her slender form and anchored her as she rode out the storm of her emotions.  
  
  
  
Fin 


End file.
